Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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