he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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