Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
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