my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Two words: blizzard sex
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
