you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Randomize
