dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
