Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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