My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
