a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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