What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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