My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
