life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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