The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
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