When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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