i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
