Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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