I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
