Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
