I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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