Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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