The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
