i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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