I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
