smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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