Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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