she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
