apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
i think my cat just said my name.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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