It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
