Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
