so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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