i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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