The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
