Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
