So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
