I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
