My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
