All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
