I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
