There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
COCAINE IS GR8
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
