i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
