Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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