i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
