Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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