he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
