I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
