this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
So much Jack, so little girl.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Randomize
