Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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