Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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