He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
