Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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