i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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