I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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