if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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