I just pynch a tree in the face
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
