Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
