You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
